Many people don't know this, but we lost a child when my wife was about 10-weeks pregnant. Back when this picture was taken, my wife was several weeks along and we had just finished pouring the concrete for our new garage. I'm pretty sure if when you pour a concrete foundation, doing this is required. It's not part of city code, but there is some unwritten code that you have to do this, somewhere.
When we placed all of our hands (and one foot) into the concrete, I also wrote + 1 before writing, "Burke Family 2015." You will see the one footprint there because as you can imagine, it is really hard to put infants' hands (our youngest out of the womb, Joelle) flat onto a gloppy surface when all they want to do is grab everything they touch. Then the + 1 was written for the imprint of the child we still carried, who could not imprint his or her own, due to some location issues at the time (being in the womb). Still growing in the womb, but present with our family though we did not know his or her name, we included this as part of our hopes and dreams not knowing what the Lord would do. Ultimately, we would never give birth to this child, and we lost him or her at about 10-weeks, in a miscarriage.
You see, we recognize that child yet born, to be a person. A person we have yet to meet and who we have yet to know the Lord's will for, but still a person. He or she was a + 1 before being born. A person yet born, while in the womb we could only say, "Lord willing" regarding our hopes and dreams that someday would be revealed in that child. Yet, we also recognize that in God's good will, this child would never have a birthday. In short, the reason we don't celebrate the birth of our unborn child is because God in His infinite wisdom decided that that child should never have a birthday. Likewise, any other of the various holidays or celebrations we bring each one of our family members into. We not only remember the life God gave, but the life God has not given, or has taken away.
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. - James 4:13-17
All of our hopes and dreams must be subject to the will of God. That includes the hopes and dreams we have for our children, and even our children themselves, born and unborn. As I reflect on the life that was not meant for us to know any further than the womb, I must bring my thoughts into subjection to God's ultimate will. I must realize that it is His will that we would never experience this child's birth. That experience was not meant for us, or for that child. I then must wonder--do I bring God glory by prolonging in hopes and dreams God has clearly never meant to come to fruition?
Consider David's reaction, in the loss of his born son who fell sick, and would eventually die.
Then Nathan went to his house and the Lord afflicted the child that Uriah's wife bore to David, and he became sick. David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground. And the elders of his house stood beside him, to raise him from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.” He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” - 2 Samuel 12:15-23
So long as David did not know what the Lord would do, he fasted and mourned as he petitioned God that He might be gracious, in sparing the life of the child. His servants saw him how he wouldn't even talk when spoken to while the child was sick, and in their minds finding out that the child was now dead would send David over the edge. However, it didn't send David over the edge. Instead, it sent Him into worship. It was when he understood the Lord's decision on the matter, that he picked himself up, worshiped God for the decision, and now ate.
Why would you write about something like this? If a person wants to celebrate the birthday of a child they never got to hold, or who was born only to die in that room, why forbid that? I do not forbid it, but as I have wrestled with this issue from personal experience, in God's Word, this is my plea. My plea here in expressing my "view" on this, is not merely to make a point and tell a bunch of people they are "doing it wrong". Instead, it is to bring our minds and actions subject to the will of God, that we would be free to worship Him in a way that is most honoring--subject to His will, trusting in His will, glorifying and worshiping of Him, in His will.
Like David, there was a time to hope and dream for the life of my child, which was good and honoring to God. There is a time where His will is uncertain, and so we petition God, hoping and desiring that certain things will come to pass. However, when the Lord has decided that this life shall not be mine to have and hold, then like David I believe the best response is to give that to God, and move on, trusting in His will and to His hands. Not, on the other hand, to be investing time, energy, hopes and dreams in that which God has not meant to be.
"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." - Matthew 10:37-39
Is it possible, that in honoring the hopes and dreams that we have, which God has snuffed out, even in the life of the unborn, that we elevate our will above God's will and dishonor God? To fantasize, if you will, in the celebrations that could have been; the birthdays and holidays that might have been had, the gifts and joys that may have been received, if only the child had been born, and lived. You see, we know that that child in the womb was indeed a person, but it was not the Lord's will for us to behold in that way. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the Name of the Lord (Job 1:21).
So, in creating memories that God has taken away, and in His foreknowledge saw fit to not give, is to go above my place and create a life in my own image, and not God's. I am now seeking my own will above God's, my own desires above His, and a life that He has not desired for me to have. Like David, I must realize that the time for desiring this life was good and right in its time, but that time is over. I have understood the decision. I have mourned, and I entrust him or her to the Lord, as it was never my life to give, have, or hold.
Now that I have mourned, I can go and worship God not only for the birthdays He has given, but the birthdays He has not given. Above my own children and above my own life, I worship God, Who gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord, Who was born to die for us, and Whose perfect knowledge and will is the only means by which any can be saved. As unbelievable and contrary to the flesh it might have seemed at the time to the apostles, when Jesus went to the cross... we know that it was best. Without that seemingly incomprehensible act, none of us would be saved.
"Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand." - Isaiah 53:10
It is now according to this will that we do not mourn, but we REJOICE!
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